next time i open up to someone is during surgery
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?