Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
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“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”