Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
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Clients after you give them your rates
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My kitchen overserved me.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Watermelon Boss!
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Vodka burrito was a success
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”