Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
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me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.