Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Oh hi lol
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance