The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda