Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.