I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
You Might Also Like
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Is anyone gonna tell them?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
i think we should see other cousins
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.