Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
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Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”