Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
You Might Also Like
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist