Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u