Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.