catch me on valentine’s day like
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*