It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.