If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
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*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I am HOWLING at this