I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I can also cook 😂
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.