my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
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Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
the official breakfast of 2021
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
🤣😂
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples