my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
wish me luck lads
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.