My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
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Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”