If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
This pepper has seen some shit
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.