So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”