[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Anyone want a chair?