7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!