Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!