my dog when i have a friend over
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Investing in beetcoin
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.