3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.