My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
You Might Also Like
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture