INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.