Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Jesus Christ lmao
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets