Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
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Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
#gardening
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”