When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
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The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.