God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text