waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
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Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
english majors be like furthermore
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.