6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
584.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.