He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
#Caturday
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.