Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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Never forget.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Home is where your toilet is.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…