My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*