Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff