dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
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We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.