You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
You Might Also Like
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you鈥檙e late?
Me: I didn鈥檛 want to give you the false impression that I鈥檒l always be early.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy鈥檚 the man for the job and shut that shit down
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
This trial is so absurd 馃槶
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I鈥檓 not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn鈥檛 make spiders that fly.
sure I鈥檒l interpret that dream for you, it鈥檚 about hydration, they鈥檙e all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
If the name of a show is just some guy鈥檚 name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Yeah. This was me today.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?