mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth