Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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just pretend nothing happened
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.