My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
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I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I feel this so hard
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.