11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them