Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband