With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.