her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.