How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
drew a comic about my origin story
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.