Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting