My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
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NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Bruh PLEASE
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack